Apparently as I was pulling away, he was falling in.
JJ told me he loved me last night. And for the past few days/week I’ve been trying to think about my feelings and decide whether I still like him. How fucked up is that?
After a day of soul-searching, I feel like I have two options:
1. (Easier/better for me) I break up with him now and get it over with. I tell him how I actually feel and how I don’t see myself ever falling in love with him. That it’s not fair for him to be in a relationship with someone who can’t(/won’t) put effort into it. That he deserves way better than my emotionally unavailable self. That I can’t be in a relationship at this point in my life and it’s not right of me to keep him dangling from a thread in the hopes that at some point I’ll realize that I like being in this relationship and I’m willing to put effort in.
2. (Better for him) Wait a few weeks until it gets closer to summer. Have the so-dreaded “summer talk”. Tell him that I can’t put in what he deserves to get out of a long distance relationship. Tell him that we can “see where things are in the fall”. That we should just take some time off to make sure this relationship is really what we want (even though I know it’s not what I want). Not let him know that for the past few weeks I’ve been struggling and lying and have had this planned out.
I don’t want to be that cold hearted bitch that breaks up with him right after he told me he loved me. I don’t want to do that to him. But I also don’t want to have to lie about being okay in this position. In a relationship with someone who loves you when you doubt that you still have feelings left for him.
Either way, I’m hurting him and it sucks.